in issue eight
Scintillations
Surf’s Up
A Right to the Left
Hooray Soleil
The Power of Letting Go
Fuzzy Alien Antennae
Storms and Silence
Incredible Shrinking Woman
Apologizing to Mandy
Sex in the Outback
Dream Interpretation
Moody Girl
Younger Self
Single (again)
photography
Meditation
Single Sunflower
Porch
Park Feet
Smith Doors
Subway Guy
poetry
Courage
Fear
Change
Revelations
My Illusion
artwork
Dancing Star Girl
Noire
Nude on the Side
workshops
Play With
Your Words
Writing Workshop
Magic Money
Write or
Photograph
For Be Real Magazine
take me back
To The Cover
To The Contents Page
in every issue
What Do You Think?
Subscribe To Be Real
future
issues
Issue Nine: Humor
Issue Ten: Free Write
Do
you remember that movie? Lily Tomlin is a housewife who begins
to dwindle away due to the household cleaning products she is
using. There are times I feel I could become just like Lily
Tomlin’s character, only with a different name: the
Incredible Self-Esteem Shrinking Woman. She almost sounds like
a superhero. Look out here she comes. It’s an ant, it’s a
dust mite…no it’s Incredible Self-Esteem Shrinking Woman!
On
the days I feel like the Incredible Self-Esteem Shrinking
Woman, it feels as if there is no hope for recovery. On strong
self-esteem days, a sense of well being comes over me and I
feel as if I can accomplish anything. It is as if I am
attempting to shed my “shrinking” persona and become a
more whole person.
My
problems with a lack of self worth developed at a young age.
It was then that I learned that my feelings and thoughts meant
very little and that seemingly any adult could hurt me with
impunity. This lesson carried on into my adult life. It is one
that I am still striving to overcome.
It
all began at the tender age of 10 when I was sexually molested
by an uncle. Because it was over my pajamas, and only
consisted of touching, for many years I excused what this monster
did to me. I rationalized that it wasn’t as bad as actual
intercourse. The adults I told endorsed my own thoughts by
telling me I was making a big deal over nothing
Over
the years, I buried the sense of outrage and grief deep
inside. I told myself that I wasn’t allowed to feel these
emotions. It wasn’t lady like and what happened wasn’t a
big deal, anyway, I had no right to feel anger about what
happened. Even now, I struggle to acknowledge my feelings and
accept them as normal.
After
the first instance of abuse, I immediately ran to my parents.
I explained, as only a child could, what happened and how
scared I felt. My father didn’t believe me at all and
surprisingly my mother, an incest survivor herself, went into
straight denial. Their reaction, or rather non-reaction,
confused and hurt me. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t
being protected. What had I done to deserve this?
The
abuse didn’t end with that one incident. The cycle
continued, and each time I would run to the people who were
supposed to protect me. Yet instead of compassion and love, I
was interrogated until I thought I did something wrong.
Finally at age 14, I ran away from home to avoid the entire
situation. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very clever; I went to a
friend’s house and my parents found me almost immediately.
I
was taken to our priest for guidance and counseling, as my
parents were convinced that I was just a problem child. I
carefully explained to this man what was happening to me.
Instead of priestly care and love, he simply said “You are
making a mountain out of a mole hill”. This was additional
reinforcement of my worthlessness by yet another adult in
authority.
After
time, I was granted permission not to go to my uncle’s house
anymore. However,
he would still visit us. So, I began staying at friends’
homes when he came for visits. In some sick twist of fate, my
parents would let him sleep in my bed when I wasn’t there.
The man who stole my innocence - my childhood - was welcomed
into my bedroom while I was exiled.
Years
of being ignored and unprotected left me without a feeling of
safety. Furthermore, it stole my self-esteem. Consequently, I
became a very cheerless and enraged girl. The world around me
was one full of deceit and harm. There were no protected
places for me.
Years
later, that scared little girl still is inside of me. Through
therapy and spirituality, I have begun to help her. I offer
her unconditional love and protection. However, this will be a
long process. Yet, I continue on the path, knowing that
ultimately hope and strength will completely replace my
feelings of anger and despair.
It
was only when I began to value myself that my esteem stopped
shrinking. I’m now learning how to let it grow and prosper.
It is a rare orchid that needs much attention and energy, but
if given the right environment it can produce awe-inspiring
beauty. We are all full of beauty and light, sometimes it just
takes digging through the murky dark places within us to bring
it to the surface.
Be Real Magazine | P.O. Box 26606 | San Francisco, CA 94126
Copyright © 2000-2005 Be Real Magazine. All rights reserved.